From Denial to Discovery: My Mental Health Awakening

May 27, 2025

Sometimes, the hardest part of the healing journey is recognizing that we need to begin at all. I often reflect on when I first realized something wasn’t right and how counseling helped me start to confront the darkness I carried within.

“It seems dark everywhere I go. I walk outside, and though it’s clear skies and a bright sun above, it’s like I’m walking through life with dark shades on. I walk through life, wondering and imagining how I could remove this dark cloud that hangs over me. Maybe if I move left, I will be free from under it. So, I moved left, and dang, it’s still there. I tried to step back, but it was still there. I finally realized that wherever I go, that darkness is still there. The dark place is within me. I reach out and grab onto someone, hoping to capture some of what makes them smile. Because surely, whatever makes them happy could also make me happy.”

The moment I realized I needed help is hazy, but I know it was in 2014, maybe July or August. I was in Iwakuni, Japan, and my emotions were a storm I couldn’t control. It was my supervisor who noticed a change in me and suggested that I seek counseling. I resisted, clinging to the belief that I could handle it on my own. But after a long conversation, I reluctantly agreed. This was a new experience for me. In my community, we didn’t talk about our feelings or seek therapy. I watched the women in my family navigate their emotions in their own way, and I was expected to do the same. On top of that, I was adapting to my new military culture; therapy and counseling were not part of the plan. I was only going to ‘satisfy’ my supervisor.

When I entered Mr. Mack’s office, I received a lengthy assessment that asked me questions about my feelings. I marked 10 (good) down the line. Mr. Mack reviewed my assessment and asked me why I was there since I was doing well. I said, “I don’t know.” He proceeded to ask me multiple questions throughout our appointment, and my answer remained the same: “I don’t know.” Over the next few sessions, he asked questions, and I reluctantly provided short answers or said, “I don’t know.” But Mr. Mack was patient and understanding. He didn’t push me to reveal more than I was comfortable with, but he also didn’t let me off the hook with “I don’t know.” He gently guided me to explore my feelings and thoughts. This was a turning point in my therapy journey, as it forced me to confront my feelings and start the process of healing.

One of the things that was huge for me was Mr. Mack pointing out that I had a rigid personality. I asked him, “What does that mean?” He explained that a rigid personality is someone who has a strong need for control, making it difficult for them to adapt to change or consider someone else’s point of view on things. When he said this, I was taken aback and had to do some self-reflection. I was sure he was wrong, and I fought back, telling him such. He asked me to ask those around me their opinion. I went back to work and asked my coworkers and friends; to my surprise, EVERYONE agreed. At this moment, I questioned, “Was this part of that dark cloud?” “Was my need for control and my inability to adapt part of my darkness.”

Healing doesn’t happen all at once but is a gradual process. For me, it began with uncomfortable truths and quiet breakthroughs.